Beautiful Disaster
by IWantToMarryJames
Summary: When James Potter enters his seventh year at Hogwarts he isn't what he once was. Something has happened that changed the once carefree, slighthly arrogant teen into something dark, mysterious and broken. Lily Evans is desperate to find out what it is...
1. Prologue

**A/N: I am sick of all the stories about James and Lily where Lily has been raped/abused/uses drugs/leads a secret life/is a prostitute etc. Why was James always the knight in shining armor? I think it's Lily's turn to save James, and thus; this story was created. This story has been extremely hard for me to write, not only because I love James and don't want to make him out as the bad guy (it HAD to be done though!) but also because a lot of this story is from personal experiences and things that are hard to share with others. **

**Disclaimer: No, still not J.K. **

**WARNING! I should probably tell you all that there are a lot of drugs, foul language, fights and some mature scenes in this story, if you don't like any of this, I suggest you don't read.**

**Now, onwards ;)**

**_PROLOGUE_**

... Bam ...  
His wand was long forgotten by now and the only thing he could feel was his fist connecting with some other bloke's skull.  
... Bam ...  
A searing, blinding pain erupted above his left eyebrow, making blood trickle down and into his eye.  
... Bam ...  
With two quick moves he gave one guy a black-eye and the other one a shiner across the cheek.  
... Trapped ...  
Four strong arms held him back and someone hit him hard on the mouth and in his stomach, causing him to bend over in pain.  
... Bam ...  
He managed to break free and deliver several more punches. It was all instinct now. And then, a scream.  
...

"Stop it!" she called out, and all the boys immediately froze. "Stay right there!" the petite, red headed girl called, making him grin.

"Evans, how lovely of you to join us."

He could see her emerald eyes flashing even in the pitch dark night.

"Potter?" she said, surprised, and then added muttering. "I should've guessed."

He couldn't help but smile, then wincing at the pain it caused him.

"Okay boys, take your wands. Those of you who need it, go to the hospital wing, the rest of you get back to your common rooms." She said harshly and the boys all mumbled something in response, her fiery temper well known amongst the students. Nobody wanted to be the one to suffer her wrath. They all turned to leave but her voice made them stop.

"Oh and ten points each from Ravenclaw, ten points each from Slytherin. Ten points from Mr Black and Mr Pettigrew from Gryffindor. And finally five points from Potter."

"Why'd you only take five points off of him?" a particularly brave, or stupid, Ravenclaw boy moaned.

"Because it was five points for fighting, and five points for being out on the grounds after curfew. Since Potter here is Head Boy he's allowed on the grounds after hours. Therefore he only got five points for the fighting. Now, get out of my sight before I take more points or report you to McGonagall!" she threatened.

They all turned to leave, again, but after a few steps she called again.

"Potter, wait."

Sirius shot him a questioning look and James shrugged and motioned for them to go ahead.

He turned just in time to see her walking towards him. He couldn't see her expression in the dark, but from the dim moonlight he could tell her face wasn't pale with rage, instead, her eyes sparkled in concern.

"Hey, are you alright?" she asked softly.

"I've been better, and worse. But I'm fine."

"Why did you fight with them?"

"Er..." why had he? "I'm not sure... One of them started picking on Peter, Sirius jumped at his defence, and then it all sort of... I don't know... Got out of control I guess."

She nodded, her eyes nor her tone were judging him and something coiled in his belly. The fire in her eyes were not lit by anger, instead they burned with something he had lived without for so long it staggered him now. Concern, and more importantly, concern without the companion pity that seemed to overshadow the looks in his friends' eyes.

"Do you need to go to the hospital wing? You got hurt pretty bad from what I could see."

"Nah, I'm fine. Madam Pomfrey doesn't mend scratches like these anyways, especially them from fighting. It'll heal eventually."

She bit her lip, as if dying to say something but not sure how it would be taken. However, she made up her mind and continued, if not a bit shakily.

"That thing on your lip doesn't look too well, though... You know, I'm pretty good at charms–"

"Quit being so modest Evans," he cut her off, grinning "you're excellent at charms."

She blushed, but smiled.

"Okay, fine, I'm good at charms. What I meant was that I could probably mend at least the cut on your lip and your forehead." she said, then seemed to panic. "I mean, you don't have to or anything, it's just that... well you know it might be nice." she added hastily. "I just -"

"Evans, that'd be great." he interrupted her again, grinning wider, almost forgetting about the pain it caused him.

She smiled up at him and shook some hair out of her eyes.

"Glad I can help."

She took out her wand and placed it on his face. She wrinkled her forehead in concentration whilst muttering a spell and James could feel the skin mending beneath the tip of her wand.

"There, all done." she said after a while, smiling slightly.

"Thank you." He said sincerely and then hesitated slightly before continuing. "I'm sorry for tonight; that you had to come and stop it. That you had to see it."

"It wasn't your fault, really." she assured him.

He muttered the password to their dorm and allowed her to go in first.

"So, good night." she smiled.

He flashed his brilliant white teeth at her in a heart melting smile.

"Good night. And thanks, you know, for everything."

"Anytime."

Their eyes met briefly and she blushed before rushing into her room.

She thought about him all night, what had formed him into the man he was today? What had happened that had forced him to build those walls around him?

She couldn't read him at all, no one really could. The only one who was even close to getting him was Sirius. Hopefully, one day it would be her too.

As it was now she could never tell if he was mad or happy, if he wanted to talk or if he wanted to be left alone.

But she would learn one way or another; she just had to.

* * *

**A/N: So, there you have it, the other chapters will be longer and darker! And, as always, review please!**

**P.S. also, if someone found any grammatical errors, misspellings (?) or anything else and think that, yeah, wow, I'd like to beta this, feel free to tell me :D**


	2. The One

**Disclaimer: Nope, don't own anything you recognize and things you don't recognize. **

**1 - The one**

_I see you standing here. But you're so far away. Starving for your attention__ – you don't even know my name. You're going through so much, but I know that I could be the one to hold you._

He didn't smile a lot anymore.

That's what she missed most about him; his beautiful, beautiful smile.

It hadn't always been like this, he hadn't always been this miserable. He used to smile all the time. Like there was always a reason to smile, as if the world was just one happy place. She used to be annoyed that he always looked so happy. Now she'd do almost anything to have those smiles back in her life.

Especially the one he'd always saved for her.

She loved that smile. His eyes would sparkle in a way that would turn his hazel eyes into deep gold, the corner of his mouth would curl a little - as if they shared a secret no one else knew about.

She had hated it. The thought of sharing something with him had made her sick.

How strange that she now desperately wanted to know his secrets, be a part of his life.

She wasn't entirely sure when all of this had begun, or with what. But as she surveyed him on the couch across the room, she decided that it was most probably the attraction that had made her like this.

When he came back in fifth year he'd grown several inches over the summer, his normally fair skin wa tanned from being outside. His muscles just visible beneath the crisp, white shirt and his eyes darker than before – more mature, more dangerous.

The heat that pooled into her stomach like liquid fire whenever their eyes connected had soon turned into an every day occurrence. It was attraction; pure attraction. Or at least so she told herself when he did not quite meet her eye and her stomach folded into uncomfortable knots.

But how could she not be attracted to him? She wasn't the only one by far. Girls all over school swooned over him, and it wasn't long before he got quite the reputation.

Oh the things she heard about him in the girls' bathroom... It only made her want him more.

But the thing that finally brought her over the edge was the big fight he had with Sirius at the end of their fifth year, right before her big fight with him.

The dark shadows she'd seen in his eyes took over him. She wasn't meant to see that fight. No one really was.

Somehow it ended with the entire school watching.

James was shouting at Sirius. Sirius was crying, trying to talk, but James was furious. Darkness invaded his body. He was shouting, he was beyond angry... And then he hit Sirius; square in the face, blood flooding from his nose. Suddenly it was all over, the darkness seemed to leave his body and he was staring, transfixed, at his now bloody hand.

She never did get to know what that was all about. But they fixed it, James and Sirius. They mended their friendship.

But Lily couldn't get him off of her mind.

If she thought it was bad before, she was sadly mistaken. He was everywhere now. Wherever she went he was always on her mind, always present in his own mysterious way.

In sixth year he started to slack off on his school work as well. He'd always been a bit careless; always in the middle of everything, always in the centre of attention, always on the way to trouble. Never quite there, never quite crossing that invisible line from mysterious Marauder to troublesome bad guy. He was well beyond that point now.

He was constantly ditching classes, rumour had it he'd started doing drugs and by the red eyes and slow talk he and some of his girlfriends used sometimes it wasn't that hard to believe. It didn't stop there though; he was drunk on Wednesdays, he rarely – if ever – did his homework and the amount of girls that came and went in their Head Dormitory was bordering on ridicolous.

McGonagall tried talking to him. How could her top student come to this? When that effort was fruitless Flitwick tried talking to him, then Slughorn, Madame Pomfrey... everyone.

Everyone except Dumbledore. It was like he understood something the others didn't. She desperately wished she understood that too.

As they were in the middle of their first semester their seventh year, he was even darker.

The darkness in his eyes was somehow taking over the soft hazel she loved so much, turning them into a scary black. It was a wonder he was even Head Boy, he hadn't exactly gotten better.

Neither had she.

She was so painfully obviously in love with him she didn't know what to do.

It killed her to see him make out with girls in the corridors, it destroyed her to hear him and all his girls in the room next to her. She got hurt when she could smell his drunken breath when he'd passed out on the couch in the common room, or when his room smelled of unknown substances which made his dark eyes glaze over. She wanted to help him.

She needed to help him.

No, he didn't smile anymore, rarely anyway. It had stopped about the time he stopped asking her out.

She was sitting in the library, trying to do her Transfiguration homework, but her mind always kind of drifted to him. It was simple things, really, that diverted her attention. Like how the colour of ink was the same as his hair, or the golden letters on the back of a book that glistened the way his eyes did when he was in a good mood. She'd gotten so far into her fantasies, that when he showed up she wasn't sure if she was hallucinating at first. He had to say hello two times and smile tentatively before she believed he was real.

"Hey," he greeted her for the third time and she smiled back (finally), unable to stop herself.

"Hi."

"Am I disturbing you? You looked pretty into it." he said and she blushed.

"No, no, I was thinking about… other things."

"Do you mind if I sit, then?" he asked, pointing at a chair opposite her.

"Not at all." she said, gesturing for him to sit down.

"What are you working on?" he asked, peering at her papers.

"Transfiguration." she replied, scowling.

"What?" he said, smiling. She loved his smile. She would do anything to keep that smile on his face.

"What do you mean 'what'?" she said, smiling too.

"You've got that look on your face. That look you get when you think about something awful, like me."

"I look like that when I think of you?" she asked, stunned. How did he know that she was thinking about him anyways?

"Actually, I have no idea." he admitted, laughing slightly. It was music in her ears.

"Well, I don't look like that when I think about you." she said, then blushed at her words. "Not that I, you know, know what I look like when I think about you, or think about you, I mean-"

"Evans, you're babbling again." he said, grinning. His dark eyes sparkling with something foreign, something she hadn't seen in them for a long time, almost making them hazel again.

Well, if babbling made him look like that she vowed to always babble in his presence.

"What I meant is that I don't think you're awful. And I had that look on my face because I think Transfiguration is awful."

"You do?"

"Yes, I do. I'm worthless at it."

"You don't give yourself enough credit." he said, serious now, the shadows darkening his eyes again.

"Would it make your eyes sparkle again if I gave myself more credit?" she blurted out, flushing red but steadily meeting his eyes.

His look pierced through her, making every nerve in her body ten times more sensitive.

"It's worth a try." he said slowly.

"Okay then." she said. Then she hesitated a moment before continuing, her red face clashing horribly with her hair. "And what can I do to make you smile?"

"You could call me James."

"Okay, but you'll have to call me my real name too."

"Which is?" he said, grinning.

"Very funny, James." she said, terrified that he might not know her name.

"I'm just kidding, Lily." he said, tasting her name on his tongue. It sent shivers down her spine, and all she wanted to do was throw herself on him and kiss the mouth she had been dreaming of since she was fifteen.

Their eyes locked, and her breathing became heavier.

He was the one who snapped out of it first.

"Right, I'd better be going. Good luck with your homework." he said, rising to leave.

She wanted to stretch out her hand and make him stay. But she just nodded.

"Yeah, thanks. See you around, James."

His face broke into that special smile, the smile he reserved for her, and her breath hitched in her throat.

And then he was gone, like he'd never even been there.

That night she cried herself to sleep, her silent tears accompanied by the stifled moans from his bedroom, making her sick. Jealousy ripped through her body as she heard his voice say something to whoever it was in there. She couldn't help wishing she was the one in his bed pressed against his sheets by his body weight.

Finally they stopped and Lily let the silence and darkness in the room take over her body. She slowly realised why James let the darkness invade his body. It was a nice, cool and calming feeling. It didn't hurt, it didn't haunt - it only chilled.

* * *

**A/N: So James is dark, I bet you didn't see that one coming? He's actually quite nice in this chapter, but don't worry, he gets worse ;P  
Thank you to everyone who reviewed, they do make me very happy! So don't forget to do so this time also, and give me your thoughts on how you think it's processing, is it up to your expectations? Is it not what you wanted? Leave a review and say something :)**

**Oh, and also, the lyrics in the beginning are from the song "Yours to hold" by Skillet, which I definetly do not own, but dearly love :)**


	3. Make Damn Sure

**2 - Make Damn Sure**

_A long night spent with your most obvious weakness. You start shaking at the thought. You are everything I want, 'cause you are everything I'm not. I'm gonna make damn sure that you don't ever leave. No, you won't ever get too far away from me._

She hurried down the corridor, her books pressed tightly against her chest. Due to the lack of sleep last night, she'd overslept, resulting in being awfully late for class.

If she just went a little faster, maybe she would get there in time to...

See James fighting with somebody.

Her heart nearly broke when she saw him standing opposite Severus Snape and she was about to step in when she realised they weren't arguing. James was handing him something... A book; he was handing Snape a book. She could hear Snape sneering at him.

"So is this the first nice thing you've done this year?"

James shrugged. "Just take the book."

He snatched it out of James' hand, and Lily felt safe walking again. Besides, if James was late for class, then she wouldn't be alone to stumble into the classroom.

She was just about to call out to him, ask him to wait, when she tripped over something and fell to the floor.

There was a loud crash and James immediately turned to see what had happened. He scowled when he saw her lying on the floor, her stuff all spread out, her ink flooding the floor.

"Lily! Are you alright?" he asked as he sprinted towards her.

"Yeah, I'm fine. But my books aren't." she said, tears starting to fill her eyes at the damage, pointing to her now ripped potions book.

"I'll fix it." he said soothingly, and whispered a complicated incantation. All her books mended themselves magically, the ink bottle repaired itself and filled with the spilled ink, they all landed in a perfect little pile in front of her. He picked them up and then held out his hand.

"Come on, we're going to be late for class."

"So you're going?" she asked as he pulled her up.

"Yeah, might as well. I'm up, aren't I? And for once I'm not hung over, just tired."

"For once?" she asked. She didn't know if she'd gone too far or not, but the question just slipped out of her before she could think about it properly.  
He looked at her, his eyes sparkling in a way she hadn't seen before.

"Yes, for once. I thought you'd have figured out I've been drinking."

"I did, I just don't know why."

"Do you want to know why?" he asked, mildly surprised.

She was afraid that whatever she said he would take the wrong way and a part of her wished that her mother had taught her to keep her mouth shut. But she couldn't just back down either, not when she was so close, not when he was so close to opening up.

"Yes." she said simply, never breaking eye contact with him.

"I want to get away from it. From everything." he said vaguely.

"What exactly is everything?"

"I don't know if I'm ready to talk about that just yet." he said softly and she nodded. She knew not to push the matter further.

"James, you know that you can talk to me, right?"

"No, I didn't. But thanks, you know, I'll definitely keep it in mind."

"Good, come on, Slughorn is going to kill us for being this late."

"What do you mean us? He'll smile at you, look at your boobs and then give me a detention."

"That's not true!" she blushed.

"Well, maybe he won't give me a detention. But he'll definitely stare at your chest. Any bloke would be crazy if they didn't." he teased her, making her  
blush even harder.

"I don't even have -" she began, but then stopped herself. His eyes were sparkling with laughter now, making this whole embarrassing situation worth it.

"You don't have what, Lils?"

She looked around, then blushed even harder and said in a hushed voice.

"I don't have very big, you know..."

"Breasts?" he finished loudly for her, a wide smile plastered across his face.

"I should hex you, but because you're smiling and you're eyes are sparkling the way they should, I'll let you get away with it. But don't think I'm going to be this nice the next time!" she said, holding up a finger to prove her point.

"So you're planning on having this conversation with me again some time soon?" he grinned.

"You know what I mean!" she hissed, her face so red she knew you could barely tell where her hair began and her face ended.

When they finally reached the classroom her face had returned to its normal colour, but his eyes were still the wonderful, sparkling hazel that they once had been all the time.

Those eyes were upon her the entire class, making her blood rush and heat to course through her veins.

If she thought he didn't care she was wrong. His eyes followed her the entire day and burned with something foreign, something she'd never seen in his eyes before when he looked at her. It was something that made her skin tingle every time someone brushed against her, something that coloured her cheeks pink. Something that made her wish she was one of his girls in the night.

She found him later in their common room. He was sober, or so it seemed anyway. He didn't smell of alcohol, and his hazel eyes were only tired, not glazed as if he'd been smoking something.

"Hey," he greeted her. "Where've you been?"

"Out," she shrugged. Truth be told she'd been in the library, drooling over a picture she'd found of him earlier that day. He did not need to know that though.

"That sounds suspicious."

"Fine, I was at the library, studying. Sue me." she said and sat down next to him on the couch.

"No, I don't think I will, it costs a lot of money." he wrinkled his nose at her. Her heart skipped a beat and she laughed.

"Good, it's such a nuisance being sued for doing your homework."

"I'm sure you've been a number of times."

"Oh, you can't even count that high."

"That sounds like an awful lot."

"Not really, it's only happened four times."

"Ha ha, Evans, developing a sense of humour this year, are we?"

"So it's back to Evans now, is it Potter?" she grinned and he smiled.

"Old habits die hard."

"Or maybe you're just slow." she teased and swatted him playfully on the shoulder. He took a hold of her arm and suddenly the mood changed.

She was painfully aware of how close they were sitting, he leaned in slowly, so did she. Would she finally get her first kiss? And from no other than the boy of her dreams?

But he pulled away.

"Why'd you do that?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Do what?"

"Get my hopes up, just to crush me again." she said coolly. She was mad at him for the first time in a long, long time.

"I didn't mean to-"

"Well you did!" she yelled, on the verge of tears. He'd always had a knack for making her an emotional wreck. "You've seen the way I look at you, I've seen the way you look at me. Don't tell me you're backing out all of the sudden!"

"Lily, stop." he told her firmly. "This can't be!"

"Why?" she screamed, tears rushing down her face.

"It would never work! We're too different!"

"We're not that different, James." she begged.

"I'm not good for you Lily! I drink too much, I fight too much. I'll only hurt you! Because that's what I do, I hurt people who gets close to me!"

"And you don't think this is hurting me?"

His hazel eyes locked hers into a passionate gaze.

"This is nothing to what I could do to hurt you. It's for your own good."

"You ass!" she cried and pushed him in the chest.

"I'm not good enough for you, Lily." he said softly, his velvety voice broken in her ear as he tried to stop her hitting him. "Trouble follows me around. I have a horrible temper, and one way or another I'll find a way to hurt you if you get too close. Or you'll hurt me. And I don't think I could handle that. I don't think I could handle losing you." he said, voice trembling.

"Then don't lose me..." she whispered, leaning in closer to him.

"I won't have to lose you, you'll leave willingly, I promise."

"That's not true." she murmured, only a whisper separating their lips. "Because if it's so wrong being with you..." she closed her eyes and kissed him gently on the lips; fireworks exploding behind her eyelids.

"If it's so wrong kissing you... Why does it feel so right?"

Instead of answering he pulled her into his embrace, kissing her like there was no tomorrow.

He was trembling beneath her touch and she couldn't tell if it was because she touched him, or because he was so afraid.

His tongue entered her mouth before she knew if she even wanted him there. But all her thoughts soon flew out of her mind as his tongue skilfully sucked and massaged hers.

This had to be heaven, she thought as he pulled her into his lap, holding her closer to him.

She held on tight to him, terrified that he might let go, that he might leave. She didn't think she could handle that. Now that she had him, she'd never let him go.

She'd make sure of that.

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews everyone and thanks to my awesome beta madameprongs who helped me chase out all the bad grammar and spelling mistakes, and especially for teaching me the word dealt :)**

**So this chapter was slightly more intense, and a lot happened, I know some of you think it's going too fast between them, usually Lily and James don't get together until after like fifteen chapters, but for this story to work I need Lily to naively go into the relationship without having any idea of how dark James is, how broken he is and exactly what he can do to hurt her. As I've said; it's based on a time of my life and this is basically what happened there. **

**So, review please and I'll try to have the next chapter posted as soon as I can!**

**Oh, and also, the song in the beginning is Makedamnsure with Taking Back Sunday (AWESOME song btw!) and I don't own it, if anyone thought I did.**


	4. Heart Of Ice

**4. Heart of ice**

_I don't think I know you. Don't think I ever will. Am I in love with you? Well I don't know still. It may sound strange but I'm warning you. I may not be that nice. Maybe baby I'm a heartbreaker, heartbreaker. Heart of ice._

The next couple of days Lily learned things about James Potter. Things he felt comfortable with sharing, and things she felt comfortable with learning. He never ventured out on dark, deep waters and she was happy he kept it light.

She wasn't ready quite yet to learn what had changed him so fully over the course of one summer.

She learned superficial things about him, yet things not so many else knew. For example; he had a tattoo of a dragon on his left side chest, another one of three black stripes around his right upper arm and a third on his lower back that said "Prongs" in his own handwriting.

(She'd never admit it to herself, much less say it to him, but she thought it was a rather girly place to put it.)

They spent a whole weekend in front of their common room fire, kissing and touching.

He seemed to relax around her, and while she was happy where their relationship was heading; sometimes the black in his eyes would unsettle her and the need for him to be close disappeared like rain in oceans. He would take her too roughly and she would feel so incredibly helpless, so indescribably young.

Small things about him changed and she proudly took credit of the fact, but not everything did.

She got hurt when he skipped classes and instead slept through the day. He went to Hogsmeade with Sirius one night and returned drunk and horny. It made her feel dirty when he touched her like that, when he wasn't himself and once again the feeling of helplessness overwhelmed her, a feeling she never thought she'd connect with him, not when he'd always seemed so able to protect her.

She made him promise things he couldn't keep;

"Why do you smoke, James?"

"I don't know, it's not a big deal. Everybody does it." he shrugged.

"I don't." she responded and he raised an eyebrow before dryly replying.

"Well, that's because you're a bit of a prude."

There would come a time when she realised he wasn't joking when he said these things, when his words would sting deeper than Severus' words could ever have managed.

"So you could stop if you wanted, you're not addicted?"

"'Course not," his trademark grin slid onto his face. "Do you want me to stop?"

"Yes."

"I'll stop for you."

She didn't doubt his honesty, and later on it didn't cross her mind that he hadn't meant it, because she knew he had. He just couldn't keep his promise.

But she told herself she could handle all those things because when he was himself, when he was happy, sober and energetic he was the best boyfriend in the world. He was everything she had expected being with him would be, if not better and she forced herself to focus on the notes he sent her in class that always said something adorably corny about her eyes and how much he adored her. Sometimes she even found notes that he had left in her books, saying things like "I miss you already" and "You're mine, mine, mine". It didn't cross her mind that maybe this wasn't healthy. Maybe he wasn't what she'd thought he'd be. That maybe she shouldn't ignore the flash of fear when she read the third mine.

His jealousy was a serious character flaw, yet he had no compassion for her hurt when she pointed out the several girls that he'd allowed to sit in his lap during lunch or the innocent good morning pecks they stole when she sat right beside him.

However, as much as a single glance at another boy would make his eyes so black and his tone so frosty the words he'd said to her before their first kiss replayed in her mind;

"_I have a horrible temper, and I'll find a way to hurt you._"

Suddenly it didn't seem so impossible.

Other times it did.

When she noticed the drawing of the snitch and her initials carved into it she smiled so brightly the rest of the day Mary asked if she'd accidentally hit herself with a cheering charm again.

And sometimes, when she came back to their dorm at night, if she'd had a rough day he would make her a cup of tea or go down to the kitchen and get exactly what she was craving.

He'd massage her neck and whisper sweet nothings in her ears.

… She also found out firsthand that the bathroom rumours were anything but exaggerated.

Sometimes she'd find herself adjusting to his lifestyle, sleeping in didn't seem as impossible as it once had if it meant she could spend a few more hours with him. The time she had taken off for studying before slowly became heated make out sessions under his initiatives and her books lay forgotten, collecting dust.

She knew it was wrong, but he was almost impossible to say no to.

* * *

They were lying on the bed in her room, his lips were on her neck and he had a hand down her skirt.

"James?" she whispered and he drew back.

"Yes, love?" he murmured and then continued his assault down her throat, making it increasingly difficult for her to breathe and think, no less speak

"What happened to you? What made you change?"

She regretted the words immediately as his whole body tensed and his lips were suddenly like ice on her skin. But she'd had this silly notion, this urge, that if she got to know what he'd been through everything would be all right.

He pulled back again, his eyes cautious, scary, _black_ and she realised exactly how wrong she'd been.

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing..." she whispered as she shook her head. "Forget it."

He rolled off her and picked up the jacket she had helped him throw on the floor.

"James, please, don't be angry..." she pleaded but he just shrugged and took out a cigarette.

"I'm not angry." he said indifferently and snapped his fingers, a flame appearing between them and lit the cigarette.

Sometimes he did these things to hurt her. He knew how she hated when he smoked, how she despised kissing him after he'd been out to smoke. He did it anyway when she said something she shouldn't. Unconsciously pushing her away. At least she hoped it was unconsciously, it hurt too much to think he might actually want to get rid of her.

"Would you please come back here, then?"

"Oh, I didn't tell you?" he turned, his black eyes cold and emotionless. "I'm going out with the marauders to Hogsmeade."

"Oh..." she said, dejectedly, trying not to show how much pain his words caused her. She knew that if he knew how often she cried alone because of what he said to her he'd never forgive himself, or continue seeing her.

"You're not going to get mad, like last time, are you?" he said and took a drag of his cigarette, tossing some ash in the vase she had inherited from her late grandmother.

Last time he had been so drunk he'd passed out and Sirius and Remus had to levitate him here and he hadn't woken up until late at night the next day, almost making _her_ pass out with worry.

"Only if you don't drink as much as you did last time."

He laughed a husky laugh and went to stand closer to her, lowering his head until they were face to face, he blew out the smoke slowly on her face in a patronizing way and smiled crookedly. It wasn't one of his nice smiles and it made her shiver with fear.

"It wasn't alcohol that did that to me, Evans."

She pulled back, as if he'd slapped her, and felt tears stinging her eyes.

Never did he call her by her last name anymore. Not even at the worst times had he said it and she willed herself to not give him the satisfaction of knowing what it did to her.

He leaned in and kissed her hard. Biting her lip and almost drawing blood. She sat unresponsive until he stopped, took a look at her and laughed coolly.

"Don't be such a frigid bitch, Lily, I'll see you tonight."

He tossed his now burned out cigarette into the vase and then slammed the door on his way out. He didn't look back. He failed to see her shaking, crying figure that lay pathetically on the bed.

* * *

He didn't come back that night, nor did she see him in classes. At the end of the day she couldn't take it and cornered a pale Sirius and an even paler Remus after Transfiguration.

"How is he?"

Sirius didn't quite meet her eye as he mumbled something.

She could feel tears welling up in her eyes and Remus put a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

"He wasn't himself last night, Lily, did you two fight?"

She shrugged in response and looked down at her feet.

"Sort of, he got very angry." she said weakly.

Remus pulled her into a hug and the tears she couldn't fight welled over and onto his shirt.

"Is he okay? Please tell me he's going to be alright..." she pleaded with them as Sirius rubbed her shoulder.

"Lily, he's sleeping, he'll be fine, he just-" Sirius broke off and Lily looked up, he was even paler than he'd been before and was looking over her shoulder as if he'd seen a ghost.

Lily turned and saw James standing there, bags under his eyes and a look of pure hatred in his black eyes.

He didn't say anything, just turned and walked away.

Lily watched as he walked up to Amanda Edwards and put an arm around her shoulders, giving her his most blinding smile.

"This isn't happening... Tell me this isn't happening..." Lily said weakly and Remus looked down at her with a sad look in his eyes.

"I should've known better. Come on, Sirius'll take care of this. You and I can go talk."

Sirius nodded and strode over to where James was standing, still flirting with Amanda, his hand caressing her cheek, his lips lightly touching hers. Remus pulled at her and the last she saw was Sirius tapping James angrily on the shoulder.

She didn't know where Remus was leading her, or what it was he wanted to talk about. All she knew was that her life and dreams were slowly going up in smoke.

* * *

"So," Remus started as he offered her a cup of coffee. They were in the kitchen and Lily was starting to feel increasingly better because of the warmth in there and the house elves obeying her every wish.

"So." she said and took a sip of the liquid and felt something familiar slide down her throat.

"You put firewhisky in this?" she gaped at him and he blushed.

"You looked like you needed it." he explained and she wondered just how much of a mess she looked.

"Oh."

She took another sip of the comforting liquid, the strength coming back to her gradually as she felt the whisky burn through her veins.

"Lily, we've known each other for a long time, right?"

"I guess."

"And you know that I only want what's best for you, because you're my friend."

"Of course." she said cautiously, eyeing him.

"You have to stop seeing him."

"I can't." she replied quietly, taking another sip of the coffee.

"You have to, this isn't healthy. You should've seen him last night. The amount of firewhiskey he drank was much even for him, and the drugs..."

"Why? Why does he do it?"

"He tries to forget things. Things he wishes never happened. It's the same with everything, he uses sex as a way to forget, drugs, alcohol, you... It's all a game for him. He keeps running... wishing things will never catch up with him. But they will, and he'll... He won't survive it."

"Do you know what it is?"

"No, he hasn't told me, or anyone else. I can only guess, just like you."

They sat in silence for a while, drinking their coffee, both lost in thought.

"That's what we fought about." she said after a while and he looked up, surprised. "I asked what made him change." she explained and he nodded.

"I thought it would've been something like that."

"I can't leave him, Remus, I promised I wouldn't. He was so... afraid. Afraid that he would hurt me if he stayed too close, and I just know, if I leave him, he'll... He'll blame himself, me, or someone else and the consequences will be devastating."

She didn't tell him about the other reasons; the selfish reasons. That she wanted so badly to be his girlfriend, to be the one to fix him or that she privately loved to see him muss his hair up just because she was near.

"He said that? That you should stay away?"

Remus voice made her snap back to reality.

"Yeah, he warned me that something like this would happen, and I just can't give up on him. Not only because I promised not to, but because I love him so much it hurts and I don't think I can be away from him."

It was true, it did hurt, everything about him made her hurt.

Remus was about to say something when the door burst open and Sirius came in.

"Lily, I think you'd better go find him."

She never thought to question why, just as Sirius knew she was the only one who could fix the mess they'd created, she too realised that she'd lose him if he wasn't assured he was loved by her.

She stood up immediately.

"Do you have any idea where he is?"

"Astronomy tower."

She headed for the door but stopped, just before stepping out.

"Thank you, both of you, so much."

"Don't mention it." Sirius replied, a tired smile on his face. "Now go!"

She didn't fail to notice the slight hysteria in his voice.

She rushed up the stairs and through the door, out of breath and her heart in her throat.

He was sitting there alone, and didn't turn when she approached him.

She sat down next to him and took his hand, tracing the veins, wishing that the blood would never stop flowing in him, that he could live forever.

"I'm sorry." she whispered and his head turned, his brown eyes sad and angry at the same time.

"Why are _you_ sorry?"

"I shouldn't have tried to get you to talk about something you didn't want to talk about."

"You asked a bloody question, Lily, it doesn't exactly deserve..." he trailed off, unable to finish the sentence he'd reluctantly started.

"Still..." she said quietly and leaned her head on his shoulder.

"How are you?" she said after a while, when the silence was getting too much and too awkward.

"Fine, I guess, a bit better now." he said indifferently. She cringed at his tone. She didn't want him to be indifferent, she wanted a real response, and she wanted to know what he was feeling, so that she could feel it with him.

"James, Remus was just comforting me. You know that, right? I was worried about you and asked them if you were alright. That's all."

He shrugged and she could feel a fresh round of tears welling up and she closed her eyes to force them to stay where they were, inside of her. She kissed his cheek and stood up.

"I'll see you back in the Heads Tower, okay?" she said and turned to leave.

"Please don't go."

She stopped in her track and turned around; she didn't know if he'd really said something or if it was just her imagination going haywire because of the need to hear him speak.

His head was turned and his expression sad.

"Please stay, I need you to stay,"

She could see his lips moving and decided that it wasn't a hallucination. Without a word she went to sit down next to him again.

He took her hand and then drew a shaky breath.

"I love you." he said, his voice breaking on the last word. She could feel her head spinning and a feeling of euphoria rise in her chest. He might have implied it before, but it was the first time he said it out loud.

"It's not an excuse," he continued shakily "but maybe an explanation. I love you and I want to keep you safe and that's why I try pushing you away. Because I'm not safe and I'm not good for you, but I can't be without you Lily. And seeing you today with Remus... I thought I'd lost you, or was beginning to loose you. That maybe you cared for him more than you cared for me. And I was scared of what you thought of me after yesterday."

"I love you too, James. Don't doubt that, please. You know you're the only one I've ever loved, and the only one I ever will love, I promise."

"Don't promise things you won't keep." he said quietly and she forced him to look in her eyes.

"Have I ever lied to you?" she asked and he shook his head, looking younger than the seventeen years he really was.

He leaned into her and kissed her softly.

He hadn't apologized, he never did, but this was enough for now.

Enough for today.

**A/N: I know, James is a bastard. It upsets me too. ;P He'll get better though, bear with me. Lily's still in her blissful little world and James is slowly making her see the reality, her happily ever after is slowly crumbling... Haha, that sounded depressing, didn't it? No, I promise, things will begin to get a bit better but he'll still be a disappointment, but he can't go on like this, now can he? That wouldn't make a very interesting story at all. Anyway, review, tell me what you think about the chapter and whether or not you would like to know what happened between Sirius and James, I'm not sure if it'll fit in with the next chapter or the story because it's all told from Lily's POV.**

**Thanks to my beta for teaching me proper grammar and sharing my unhealthy obsession with James :) ... and because she edited this chapter ;P**


	5. Perfection In A Mess

**A/N: Sorry, sorry, sorry! I'll explain further down why I had you all waiting, see you at the end and hope you enjoy the chapter!**

**4. Perfection in a mess**

_Through the clouds, a nice surprise, to see that twinkle return into your eyes. Nothing in this world could make me love you less; shadows often leave perfection in a mess. And when I feel the skies will never clear, you remind me spring is near. How you sparkle, how you shine. How you rise above the sky… and you rise…_

He collapsed heavily on top of her, breathing hard into her ear, the sound almost arousing her again.

When they slept together he was nothing short of perfect. He knew her body better than she could ever dream of, knew what she craved and needed before she knew it herself. He always put her needs before his and he made her feel like he loved her just as much as he said he did.

She was torn between wishing he would be as attuned to her in the other parts of their relationship and wishing that it would stay this way. The moments they shared felt more special and real than maybe they would have otherwise.

He stayed on top of her, resting inside of her, his sweaty body stickin g to hers. She pushed him on the shoulder in a bad attempt to get him off of her.

"James…" she complained. "Geroff, you're heavy."

He nuzzled into her neck.

"No, I don't think I will. I'm very comfortable."

"You're suffocating me!" she replied, choking on the words. She could feel him smile against her neck before he rolled off her, pulling her flush against his body almost immediately. She smiled at the gesture and snuggled into him more.

"So, what does the lovely Miss Evans want to do today?"

"Hang out with you." She replied instantly, and his smile widened.

"That doesn't sound healthy."

"It's the best thing in the world."

He pulled her even closer and rained thousands of butterfly light kisses on her skin, whispering "I love you" between breaths.

* * *

His big warm hand held hers securely as they made their way to Charms together. She had convinced him to get out of bed and come to classes with her (he'd only agreed when she promised they could sneak into an empty classroom and make out during breaks).

She understood why he didn't want to go; he was too restless, too brilliant to be locked in a classroom all day long. But he was supporting her now in his own mysterious ways as he let go of her hand and draped his strong arm across her shoulders. Immediately her arm went around his waist before she looked up questioningly. He shrugged in response b efore adding.

"You were too far away."

The answer was simple and sweet and exactly the kind of answers that made her heart jump about erratically in her chest. She could see the love for her shining in his eyes, making his eyes a sparkling gold she'd never seen before. She was sure her own eyes held the same startling sparkle that seemed to light up a room.

She barely had time to be unnerved by the murderous glances other girls were throwing at her, she was too wrapped up in her private heaven and the feel of his muscled body beneath her fingers.

When they entered the classroom James took the seat that usually stood empty next to Sirius and Lily sat down next to Mary Macdonald, her friend and ally for many years. The girls knew everything about each other, having spent the first six years at Hogwarts inseparable, and their relationship had always been easy and never too demanding. It was a bit different now, when Lily didn't live in the Gryffindor tower anymore, but they still met up at weekends and went to Hogsmeade together to drink butterbear at the Three Broomsticks and occasionally a hot chocolate in the nice café down the road. The thing with Mary was that even though Lily hadn't seen nor spoken to her for days -weeks even- when they did talk they were on the same level almost immediately.

Mary was a rather plain girl, with chestnut coloured hair and soft blue eyes that sparkled with laughter. She, too, was a muggleborn and understood better than anyone what Lily felt and went through with her family and at Hogwarts. And the girls had never been awkward around each other; everything was always so easy with Mary.

But today the silence was too thick, the smiles a tiny bit too forced and their greetings a little too loud. At first Lily had no idea why this was, had she said something? Had they arranged a meeting and she'd forgotten? It wasn't until one of James' many notes hit her desk that she realized what felt different. Both Lily and Mary had never had a boyfriend and had always had the same priorities, the same feelings about everything and not to mention the same scorching hot temper that always seemed to get the better of them. But now that Lily had a boyfriend -and James Potter at that no less- she had experienced and been through things Mary hadn't, and couldn't understand.

She shook her head to clear her thoughts and opened the note he had sent her:

"I love you, I miss you, I wish my hands were in your hair and your mouth was slowly su-"

She flushed scarlet and looked back, scolding him. He flashed a smile he knew she couldn't resist and made her anger diminish instantly. Still blushing an impressive shade of red, she crumpled the parchment and decided to burn it later. There should be no proof that she had done what he had described so colourfully and detailed in that note.

Mary fought back a smile at the colour of Lily's face and passed her a note of her own -with something far less amusing, she was sure.

Lily heard another note land on her desk and was surprised to see Mary's neat handwriting instead of James' messy and almost unreadable. There were only seven words written; " Can I talk to you after class?" Lily nodded vigorously and Mary's gentle smile widened.

The class was one long lecture and at the end Lily's hand had seriously begun to hurt. She glanced around the classroom to see several others shaking and massaging their hands in an effort to relieve the pain – all but James and Sirius who were playing a rather brutal game of thumbwar by the look of things. Their quills were magically copying the notes on the chalkboard without any effort on their part. Lily scowled, no doubt it was a spell they had invented themselves.

Finally Flitwick stopped talking and then waited patiently for the class to finish copying before speaking again.

"You'll be getting your essays on the advanced floating charms back today. Some of you did very we ll, some of you didn't do quite as well, and some of you did surprisingly bad. I hope those of you who didn't pass will do a whole lot better on the extra essay about the use of unicorn hair in charms you'll be doing to compensate for this essay."

Lily felt an uneasy lump in her throat as she thought about the essay she had handed in. She'd been tired and overslept after spending the night with James and had scribbled it down in ten minutes before the class began. It wasn't exactly top notch, and there wasn't a snowballs chance in hell that she'd get an O on it, but maybe an A, and hopefully an E. She waited with baited breath and didn't dare look Flitwick in the eye as he handed her the essay upside down on the table. She turned the top part and almost felt teary eyed as her eyes fell upon the big, red "P" and the scribble beneath it saying: "I expected more from you, Miss Evans."

For the second time that20day she blushed crimson and didn't let Mary see her mark, but instead shoved the paper hastily down her bag and then hurried out of the classroom to wait for Mary.

James came out before Mary and bent down to kiss her softly.

"You know, there's an empty classroom where we could do some of that I wrote about in -"

"Schh!" she said angrily and he grinned again. "Besides, I promised I'd talk to Mary a bit."

He looked surprisingly disappointed, a look she hated to see on his face so she quickly tried to make2 0amends.

"But we have a long break now, don't we? Meet me back here in ten minutes?"

He looked incredibly relieved and nodded before he bent to kiss her again, a bit longer this time, before catching up with his friends.

Mary stood a few steps away from her, a big smile gracing her features and unexpectedly she threw her arms around Lily and hugged her tight. Lily hugged back, happy and bewildered by her friends embrace.

"I'm so happy for you Lily, so very, very happy. I know how much you like him, and how long you've liked him ." Mary said into her ear and Lily hugged her tighter, unbelievably happy too, she recognized the feeling of relief in her stomach and realized that she had been worried about what Mary thought.

"Really? You mean that?" she said as they let go of each other.

"Of course! He is… treating you right, though? I know he's different from who he was before, and I don't want to see you hurt."

"He's wonderful." She assured Mary but couldn't stop herself from continuing. "We've had our fights of course, and he's scary then when his eyes turn all black and he tries to push me away."

Mary nodded and frowned a bit before speaking again.

"I think you're good for him, Lils, he seems better, happier somehow. And you and I both know what it feels like to be lost; he could probably use some of your guidance."

Lily nodded and felt like she was floating on air. She couldn't remember ever being this happy before.

She heard his footsteps behind her back and turned, feeling ridiculously happy as he smiled in her direction.

"Miss2 0me much?" he grinned and she shrugged.

"Not particularly, should I have?" she teased and he shook his head, muttering "minx" under his breath.

Mary smiled and winked at Lily.

"Well, I'm going to go now; I have some reading to catch up on. See you later Lily." She said tactfully and nodded goodbye to James who nodded back.

"What did she want to talk to you about?" he asked and she smiled up at him.

"She wanted to tell me how happy she was for me that I was with you now."

He looked surprised, with good reason to as well.

"She is? I was sure she was going to tell you that you had to stop seeing me, or express her severe dislike for me."

"Mary doesn't dislike you, James! She's not one to judge people by their appearance without knowing who they truly are."

"Unlike some people. He teased and she blushed and looked down on the floor.

"That was a long time ago." She said softly and he tilted her head up, forcing her to look into his eyes.

"It's okay, Lily, don't worry about it. I was an immature prat, and I liked the fact that you always stood up to me and always called me out on my crap when no one else would."

She grinned.

"So how about we find that classroom now?"

She barely had enough time to finish her sentence before he opened a door behind him and pulled her inside. She could vaguely see in the dark of the classroom, but didn't have time to figure out where they were, because the next second he was pinning her against the wall and kissing her like his life depended on it.

And maybe it did.

She returned the kiss with equal intensity, sliding her fingers through his silky hair. He groaned into her mouth and traced a hand down her leg and then hitched it in position around his waist. She tugged desperately at his shirt, letting her hands roam freely over his muscled chest and six pack. Needing to feel more of his bare skin she unbuttoned his shirt and he helped her, never letting his lips leave hers. He tugged his shirt off roughly and moved in on her again, his hand trailing the leg around his waist and softly kneading her bum when he reached his destiny.

She gasped into his mouth and grinded into him and she was just about to work on his pants when a cough disturbed them both.

"Ahem."

The couple froze and James turned slowly, dreading the sight.

"I don't mean to disturb you, but would you mind taking this elsewhere, I have a class starting in ten minutes and we're going to be transfiguring tooth sticks into needles, which won't be very exciting at all for you." Minerva McGonagall said with a smile and James grinned at her.

"Sure thing, Minerva, I just have to find my shirt and… Ah, there it is."

Lily was blushing so hard she was sure she was going to burst into flames if she didn't leave the room instantly. James took a painfully long time putting his shirt back on and straightening his tie, but McGonagall was busy shuffling her papers and didn't seem to care what they were doing.

"See you Thursday, Minnie."

"Goodbye Mr Potter, excellent work on that essay by the way."

"Naturally." He replied smoothly as he took Lily's hand and dragged her out of the classroom.

"Tell me that I'm dreaming. This has to be a nightmare. McGonagall did not just find me snogging somebody."

"I don't think it falls under the category 'snogging', actually, try 'very heated snogging', 'foreplay' or 'dry humping'." James replied cheerily and Lily groaned.

"So that was all real? And she didn't get mad?"

"No, why would she?" he smiled and looked so much like the old James that she had an insane impulse to whack him over the head, call him Potter and refuse to date him.

"Oh I don't know… We were snogging in a classroom!? And, no less, the strictest teacher in the entire bloody castle's classroom!"

"Oh, Minnie doesn't get mad for those sorts of things. Well…" he said and wrinkled his nose "she doesn't get pissed off at me, anyway. Sirius on the other hand has some scars caused by her wrath."

She shook her head in amazement and stared at him for a bit, unable to form a coherent sentence.

"If it makes you feel better, next time we'll use a classroom which I know she won't be in."

"You knew she was in there? And you still pulled me in!?"

"Of course I knew she was in there, thought it might spice things up a bit."

"Yes, because that's what this relationship needs; better sex." She replied sarcastically and he laughed.

"Oh come on, Lils, don't tell me you don't think that that's hot; having sex when somebody can walk in any minute, and an authority figure no less. We should do it in Dumbledore's office, the thrill is unbelievable."

She frowned at him.

"Don't tell me you've had sex on Dumbledore's desk."

"I haven't."

"Good."

"It was in his chair."

"James!" she screeched.

"What?" he laughed and put an arm around her to pull her into him, relaxing as her soft body melted against his.

"That's very wrong."

"And oh so hot, admit it, you're turned on by it."

She couldn't imagine something that could turn her off more, to be honest. She didn't like when he talked about other girls he'd been with. She didn't like being reminded of the time when he wasn't hers.

"No, not even a little. Call me a prude, but that just sounds… Who would agree to do that there anyway?"

He shrugged.

"A blonde Hufflepuff."

She didn't look at him and he laughed as he pulled her in for a hug.

"Are you jealous?"

He knew her far too well. She shrugged and tried to get away from him but he held her tighter.

"So what if I am?" she replied defensively and he pulled back a little, put his strong hands on her shoulders as he crouched a little so that he was able to see her eyes better.

"You have nothing to worry about; she is only a memory without a name, a part of a life that seems so far away. You, on the other hand, are a part of everything; my past, my present, my future, my mind and my heart. You can doubt many things about me, but nev er doubt my love."

She smiled a little and looked up at him; he was so handsome it almost broke her heart. She stroked his chin before running her thumb over his lower lip.

"I'm just afraid sometimes…" she began and immediately the carefree, adoring expression he was wearing was replaced by a mask of indifference. If she hadn't known him like she did, she never would have noticed the cautious look in his eyes and the way his jaw clenched, preparing for letdown.

"You're so perfect all by yourself." She continued and he couldn't control the surprise that played across his features. "What would I be without you? I can't sparkle when your glitter isn't rubbing off on me. But you… What can I give you?" she said qu ietly and glanced quickly at his face. His face had never been softer; his eyes had never been brighter, revealing tiny flecks of dark green, blue and golden colours.

"The way you think of me… it's, quite frankly, seriously fucked up." He kissed her softly and her knees buckled beneath her. "But if it's possible, I think I love you even more for it."

He kissed her again, deeper this time, and she put her arms around his neck to keep her steady, clinging to him for support.

Maybe he would catch her if she fell, maybe he needed her to sparkle to keep him glittering.

Maybe.

* * *

Later that day, they were studying, surprisingly enough, on his bed. Although the way his foot kept playing with her leg she was pretty certain that something else would be top priority very soon.

"Lils, can I borrow some ink from you? I've run out." he smiled and she grinned.

"A little short on supplies, are we?"

"Come on, you want me to get an O on this too, don't you? You think it's sexy when I'm being smart and doing well in school."

She raised an eyebrow at him and he grinned.

"I've seen the way you look at me in classes…"

"I don't find everything you do sexy, James."

He leaned in closer and kissed her hotly, his tongue slipping inside her mouth for a mere second before drawing out. She groaned at the loss and leaned in to kiss him again, but he pulled back.

"Almost everything, Lils, almost." He whispered in her ear and she blushed. "So how about that ink?"

"Fine, it's in my bag downstairs." She smiled and he kissed her again, making her blood rush and her breathing speed up. He grinned wider at her reaction and stood up.

"You're a lifesaver." He called as he walked down the stairs.

"Don't I know it…" she muttered as she scratched out the phrase she had just written, embarrassed that she had written it from th e beginning.

"Lily." He called up to her, his voice low and smooth and she gulped at the tone he was using. By now she knew his voice as well as his face and could quite clearly tell that he was anything but happy with her.

Tentatively she got up and walked down the stairs that led her to their common room. His back was facing hers, but the rigid form of his shoulders told her exactly how angry he was.

He whipped around as he heard her footsteps.

"What's this, Lily?" he said and held out her charms essay, the big red P standi ng out angrily against the white parchment.

"It's nothing, really, I was tired when I did it and I'll make it up with the other essay. No harm done." She said quickly, trying to ease the fury in his eyes.

"Lily, you got a P, on a charms essay, your best subject! How are you doing in your other classes?" he demanded and she felt blood boil in her own veins.

"What are you, my mother? It's not exactly like you do all of your homework perfectly either! How many classes are you passing, James?"

"That's different!" he yelled "It doesn't matter what I do with my time here! But you… You can choose what you want to do with your life! And those options won't be available if you slack off like this!"

"I know I failed, okay? And you want to know why? I was tired after spending the night with you, because I wanted to get to know you better, and I wanted you to see that I would be there for you, the way I thought you would be for me!"

"Damn it, Lily! I told you, I told you I'd do this… I can't have you failing because of me!"

"Stop being so bloody arrogant!" she exploded and he looked taken back. "The world doesn't revolve around you, you know. I'm a big girl, James; I tie my own shoes and everything! It was my responsibility to have that essay done, my fault, my failure. And I will deal with it, if that's okay with you?" she snapped and suddenly he was grinning and standing so close she was forgetting why she was angry in the first place.

"You're unbelievably hot when you're angry, that's why I liked you in fifth year… I'd almost forgotten…" he whispered in her ear and she couldn't stop herself from kissing him.

"Don't even think of leaving me." She said heatedly against his lips as they came up for air. "Especially not over something as trivial as homework."

"Hush, Evans, I have better use for your mouth." He grinned against her skin, and in that moment, she sparkled all by herself.

* * *

**A/N: Okay, so here it is, my pathetic attempt for an excuse. Well, first Breaking Dawn came out and I had to read that sort of all the time, and then school came along and since it's my last year the schedule is PACKED and the workload is very, very heavy a the moment. And then when I'd finally finished the chapter, there was a misunderstanding between me and my beta (who is aaawesome, btw) and thus, this chapter is so late. The next one is sort of ready so it shouldn't take this long**

And James isn't a total jackass in this one! Savour the moment, ;P Haha, no, but I got tired of writing him as the bad guy all the time, next one; not so light though!  
Don't own the song (Sparkle by Rubyhorse) in the beginning. Absolutely adore it though. I WISH it was mine!


	6. Make It Better

**5. Make It Better**

_Sometimes I feel I can't keep it together, then you hold me close and you make it better. When I'm with you I can feel so unbreakable. 'Cause it's us against the world, you and me against them all. If you're listening to these words know that we are standing tall. I don't ever see the day that I won't catch you when you fall, 'cause it's us against the world, tonight._

"All right, class, pair up, I have something special in store for you today."

Professor Pinecob looked up expectantly at her class, shuffling the papers on her desk.

"Go on then, I don't have all day."

Lily exchanged a surprised glance with Mary. Pinecob never let them do anything remotely interesting, making Defence Against the Dark Arts the most boring class of the year. Actually being able to use magic was making Lily giddy, and she and Mary stood up eagerly. She glanced back at James and his mates, he was scowling, his forehead wrinkled; as if he was smelling something disgusting, but couldn't quite place it. He stood up reluctantly and went to stand next to Sirius.

"Okay class today we are going to practice some of the unforgivable curses."

The class gasped, and Lily looked back at her boyfriend again, he was the only one who didn't seem surprised, and he still wore that disgusted look on his face.

"You will learn how to master the Cruciatus Curse, the Imperius Curse, and lastly, the killing curse." Pinecob looked around the classroom, obviously pleased with herself.

"Professor?" Amos Diggory spoke up and received everyone's attention.

"Yes, Mr Diggory?"

"Are we supposed to perform these curses on each other?"

"That is quite correct, my dear boy, all but the Avada Kedavra, of course. If you all become aurors you will need to know how to perform these curses, and how it feels to be under them so that you can recognize them."

"Now, please, Miss Evans, Miss Edwards, take your positions."

Lily felt positively terrified; she wasn't serious, was she?

"No."

James' voice broke through the tense silence.

"We'll go first."

There was something in his voice Lily had never heard before. A burning, bubbling rage that was so calm and cool it scared her witless.

It was nothing like the gut wrenchingly downright painful voice he sometimes used with her when he was annoyed and she didn't do as she was told. It was worse. He took a step forward, almost as if he was trying to protect her and Lily felt something shifting in the air. Terror.

Even Sirius looked a bit pale.

He and Sirius faced each other, and Sirius raised his wand. But before anyone could do anything, before Sirius even had a chance to utter a word, his wand was in James hand and James was glaring holes in the face of Pinecob.

Even in the midst of this horrible thing that was going on before her eyes, Lily could not help but notice how powerful he was. Again it plagued her thoughts, how and where had he learned to do this magic?

"What are you doing? You're supposed to perform curses, not block them before they are uttered."

"You are under a severe mishap, if you think that when there's breath and blood in my body, I'll participate in this. I will never, ever, perform an unforgivable curse. Never. No matter what the cost."

He spoke clearly and loudly, his voice burning the air around him. He looked incredibly powerful; she was surprised Pinecob didn't cower in fear.

"Mr Potter, you will do as I tell you. The other teachers may overlook your flaws, but I will not accept this behaviour of yours."

"I still won't do it." He said and looked around the classroom, the expression of disgust still evident on his face. "And I can't believe the rest of you were going to, just because you were told to."

He shook his head and went to give Sirius' wand back before turning to leave the room.

"Let's test your limits then, shall we, Mr Potter? Are you sure that you wouldn't perform an unforgivable… Even if I did this?"

What happened next was too fast for Lily to be able to react. Pinecobs wand was pointed towards her, and James somehow managed to push her out of the way, the cruciatus curse hitting him instead.

If everything had rushed past her a mere second before, things were now running in slow-motion. She saw how James fell to the ground, writhing in agony, enduring the spell in silence.

"Stop it!" she cried out, kneeling next to him. "Please, stop, you're hurting him…" she whimpered and tried to touch him, hold him, anything. He seemed oblivious to her as his body arched of the floor, and he opened his mouth in a silent scream.

Sirius was the first one to react, pushing Pinecob to the floor, breaking the connection. James eyes opened immediately, staring at her intently.

"You're okay." The relief in his voice was evident and the look in his eyes showed no signs of the pain he had just endured.

He stood up shakily, however, wincing as she touched his skin. She wondered briefly if her touch was hurting him.

He shook her off coldly, not sparing her a second glance and went over to where Pinecob was lying.

"Not even now. I would never sink to their level, if I wanted to be a Death Eater, I could've signed up for that a long time ago." He straightened up and looked around the classroom again, the students eyeing him carefully, as if afraid of what he might do.

"You can not obey orders like these. It might seem like you don't have a choice. That's bullshit. You always have a choice, there's always a _fucking_ choice. There is no honour in fighting with pain and destruction, there is no honour in that path. You do not do what they say just because they said it. It's what makes us human, and I would've thought there was more of us around."

He finally looked at her as he said this, but Lily wished he hadn't. She looked at the floor, blushing, willing herself not to cry. It was one thing to be so openly vulnerable when they fought in the safety (was she ever really safe around him?) of their dorm, but here in the classroom? She couldn't let her fellow classmates see what he could do to her. How weak she was.

And he was right, this time, she had been about to hurt her best friend, because her teacher had said so, a teacher she neither respected nor liked. And for what; a grade?

He swept out of the classroom, not bothering to wait for a reaction, he already knew he had created one, and Lily was sure; there was not a single student in there that day that would ever be the same.

* * *

Dumbledore's blue eyes surveyed them both, making James feel like his soul was being examined. As if Dumbledore could see all the things James had done, as if Dumbledore knew every thought, every wrong thing he had done. He wondered if this was how Lily felt when he sometimes stared her down, just because he could, and vowed to try and control his darker side better around her. He leaned backwards and shuddered slightly, the effect of the cruciatus curse still lingering in his body, making his bones ache and his skin fire up whenever he brushed against something. He knew this was nothing to what would come and he felt like breaking down in tears at the mere thought of it.

'_This is why she doesn't understand,' _he thought _'this is why I have to hurt her.'_

Priscilla Pinecob sat in the chair to his right, her expression frightened and bewildered. She looked as if she couldn't quite understand why she was there in the first place, and since she didn't know this, she didn't know what was going to happen to her. Hence the frightened look on her face.

"It has come to my understanding that today's class of Defence Against the Dark Arts was something out of the ordinary."

Dumbledore's voice was friendly and calm, but James could hear the burning behind his words, just like he knew Dumbledore would hear the fire behind James's.

"Priscilla, please explain."

"I was teaching them the Unforgivables, if they are to become aurors they will need to know how to perform them if they want to bring in Death Eaters. Mr Potter refused to participate."

"And you thought that was reason enough to torture him?"

"I wanted him to know what it felt like."

"I already knew." James spoke quietly, looking down at his hands.

"James," Dumbledore spoke softly and James looked up in surprise. "The bravery you displayed today was well beyond your years, I am very impressed. Do you need to go to the hospital wing?"

"No, I just need to rest. There's not much Madam Pomfrey could do for me anyways."

'_She doesn't have what I will need' _James thought and then winced. He would never get better. The dark inside of him was always there, lurking, risking both his and Lily's lives and he couldn't escape it. He hadn't been able to before, and he wasn't able now. _'I'm hurting her'_ he realized with a start.

"Very well, you are excused for the rest of today's and tomorrow's classes. And fifty points to Gryffindor for your actions today."

For a moment Dumbledore looked as if he wanted to say something more, like his words could somehow soothe the burning agony that flooded more sharply in his veins for every second, but then he stopped so James just nodded and stood up, exiting the room. He could practically feel the icy stare Pinecob was receiving and he let himself smile.

Maybe some good had been done that day.

* * *

"Open up, James!" she cried through the door, pounding on it restlessly. "Please, James, open the door…"

She pushed at the door knowing it was useless, when it suddenly flew open and she tumbled into the room.

He was on the floor, a rubber band around his arm and a needle at his side.

"Lily, you have to help me." His voice was pathetic, so unlike the man she had seen earlier that day in the classroom.

"What did you do, James?"

She kneeled in front of him and his eyes were unfocused, groggy, his breath heavy with firewhisky and smoke.

"Help me, insert this, here…" he gave her the shot filled with something brown and put it to the now big vein in his arm.

"No, James, you don't need it."

"Please Lily… It hurts so much… It burns, oh god it burns…" tears were streaming down his face now and he pressed the needle into her hand. "You have to help me, I can't, and I'll miss."

She took the needle he was handing her with shaking hands.

"No, please, James, you can't ask me to do this. Please don't make me do this to you." she said desperately. It was one thing knowing he did this and a whole other thing helping him do the one thing she despised the most about him.

"Make it stop… Merlin it hurts, it burns… Make them stop Lily, please make them stop… I didn't mean to, Lily… I promise… I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry, make them go away…" his voice was choked with sobs, his body shaking with his agony.

"Who? Make who go away?" she said carefully as she stroked his forehead.

He screamed. Loudly awful and in a way that made her wish she'd never get involved in his life and misery. She jumped away, scared senseless from him as he winced, he was oversensitive to her touch and she watched him writhe around in agony.

When he stopped he looked up at her again. Silent tears were rolling down his face, his T-shirt drenched in sweat and his hair plastered against his forehead. He was white as a ghost, and his eyes were burning with pain.

"Lily, please…"

His voice pleaded with her; there was no heat behind his words, just a request for help. And how could she deny him, when she was the one he'd suffered for? When she was the one who had put him in this position in the first place?

She kneeled in front of his shaking body as she took the needle in one of her hands and held his arm in the other.

"Quick, it hurts so much…"

She pressed the tip of the needle to his skin and his crying got worse, quickly she pushed it in and emptied the substance into his blood.

His reaction was instant, he stopped shaking and a look of relief washed over his face.

"Thank you."

His voice was a mere whisper as his eyes became pitch black and he leaned forward heavily and pressed a kiss to her lips.

She sat down next to him, holding him in her arms and buried her face in his hair as she cried too. Sharing his misery in a way she wouldn't have thought possible.

* * *

Her eyes opened groggily as she moved in on the hand caressing her cheek. When her sleepy sight had focused she recognized the brilliant hazel of his eyes.

"James…" she whispered happily and snuggled closer to his body. The events of last night and day flooded back to her and her head snapped up, her eyes no longer unfocused and hazy.

She took in his appearance, his black hair was slightly damp and he smelled clean, he was probably just out of the shower.

He was also deliciously naked, she noted as she ran her fingers along his arm.

"How are you?" she asked, her voice a bit shaky.

"Better, it doesn't hurt any longer."

She looked down, unable to meet the soft love that radiated from his eyes.

"I'm sorry I let you down."

He immediately knew that she was referring to yesterday's class and he hurried to respond.

"You didn't –"

"Don't lie to me, James." She whispered and felt his lips press to her forehead.

"I understand you, Lily and you didn't let me down. Two years ago I would have done the same thing."

"No, you wouldn't have."

"Maybe not, but its still okay, Lily, I don't hold it against you. Sometimes we just need a pointer in the right direction. You would be letting me down, though, if you were to repeat what happened yesterday."

"Never." was her fierce reply.

"If she had hurt you…" his voice was a pained murmur. "Merlin what I could've done to her if she'd hurt you…"

"But she didn't… Instead, she hurt you."

She tried to keep her voice steady, but she could hear the pain in it as much as he did, the tremor in her voice giving her away.

"Lily, it's OK, everything's fine now. Everything's OK."

She clung to him and pressed her body against his as her lips found his in a feverish kiss.

"It's going to be okay." he whispered against her lips and she responded by kissing him again, more urgently, desperate to feel him, all of him, desperate for his love.

But he pulled away, the black darkness hiding the true emotions in his eyes.

"I'm sorry too." he said quietly and it wasn't until now that Lily noticed he was shaking almost violently.

"James, are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes, it just takes a while for the drugs to leave my system."

Oh.

He must've seen the look in her eyes because he pulled her closer again and pressed needy kisses against her willing lips, shaking harder.

"I'm so sorry…" he said in a strangled whisper.

"For what?" she asked and caressed his cheek.

"I didn't want you to see me like that, I didn't want to make you do that to me, but the pain, Lily… It was slowly killing me. It hurt sitting down and when you touched me, it was worse than… I can't compare the pain to anything, _anything_. I tried drinking it away, smoking, getting high but the pain just got worse and I didn't know what else to do. I didn't want to let you in at first because I didn't want you to see me like that. I didn't want you to see me that weak. And even though it's painful now, it's nothing compared to what I would've been going through if you hadn't helped me. I'm sorry for putting you through it, but I'm also grateful."

"It was my fault you were in pain, I wanted it to go away as much as you did." she said and bored her eyes into his hoping to find any trace of emotion instead of the cold black that seemed so indifferent it hurt.

"It would've gotten worse if you hadn't done anything. Nothing can compare to that pain, it gets worse for every time."

She rolled up on her elbow and studied his face seriously.

"You've been under that curse before?"

He looked down and bit his lip, looking as if he regretted to have said anything at all. When he looked up again there was pain in his eyes and now she was the one wishing she could take her words back.

"I… yes. Several times."

"Who did that to you, James?"

"You're safer not knowing." He replied quietly and kissed her knuckles.

She acted on instinct and leaned down to capture his lips with hers in a soft kiss that spoke of understanding and love.

"You can trust me, James." She whispered into his ear and he closed his eyes for a moment before speaking again.

"When my mum and dad died the summer between fifth and sixth year I started hanging out with the wrong kind of people. I felt like no one could understand what I was going through, not Sirius, not Remus, definitely not Peter, but these people… They knew what it felt like to loose a parent, they welcomed me with open arms and offered a way out of the pain."

"Drugs?" she said carefully and he nodded slowly.

"Amongst other things. We broke into homes and stole stuff, money mostly, we got drunk and fought with everyone we could get a hold on. I messed people up badly… We cut ourselves sometimes," he whispered painfully and showed her the scars on his wrists. "anything to make the pain go away. I've been on everything you can think of…"

"So, that's why you still use? Because you're addicted?"

"No," he shook his head. "I was never addicted, even though it was close. Things happened before it got that far."

He took a deep, shuddering breath before continuing, stroking her palm gently and lovingly.

"My parents had made it so I couldn't get hold of my heritage before I turned seventeen, and I started to owe these people a lot of money. If you didn't pay them in time… let's just say that what Pinecob did to me today would've been getting off light. It was all cleverly worked out, the first couple of times I was just shaky, terrified of course to have it happen to me again, but relatively fine. But after a while, the aftershocks became worse than the actual curse and the only thing that would make it go away was drugs…"

He stopped talking and she waited for him to continue, after a while though it became clear that he wouldn't and she kissed his neck before whispering.

"What happened then?"

"I owed them more and more, ridiculously much really, and at last I caved and sought out Sirius. He lent me the money instantly, no questions asked, and then I was free."

"That easy?" she said, impressed.

"No, not really," he smiled and kissed her lightly, Lily got the impression that it hadn't been that easy _at all_, and that he was just trying to protect her "but now I knew what I was getting myself into."

"Does anyone else know about this?" she said and he shook his head.

"No, not a soul, not even Sirius."

"Why?"

"I'm not proud over the things I've done Lily. I've hurt so many people in my search for money and drugs. Sirius is my best friend, I can't even imagine… He'd look at me like I was his family."

"Is that a bad thing?"

"You obviously don't know a lot about the Blacks." he smiled, as if he was grateful for the fact, before quickly turning serious again. "They're dark wizards, Lily, they hurt people for no good reason except the fact that they're muggles, muggleborns or simply in their way."

"Were you like that?"

"To one extent." He answered truthfully. "I hurt people to get money, although I could've cared less if they were purebloods or not."

"Who were they? Do I know them?"

"You're safer not knowing." he repeated, tracing her curves.

"Please tell me?" she said and immediately knew she'd crossed the line.

"Lily, that's enough."

His voice was stern, cold and clearly ended their conversation.

And just like his voice was no longer filled with the love she hoped he felt for her, his body became stiff and unresponsive.

"I'm hanging out with the boys today. I don't know when I'll be back."

He stood up and walked out of her room without looking back and Lily knew there was nothing she could say to make him turn around and

She'd thought that if she'd just uncover some of his secrets she'd be satisfied. Instead a new, burning curiosity filled her body and mind.

* * *

**A/N: Sorry it took so long! This time it was Artemis Fowl and, as always, school occupying my time. Thanks to Courtney for betaing and fixing it so that it's readable, :) Let me know what you think, next one won't be so long, I promise! Oh, and all credit goes to Westlife for their beautiful song Us against the world that's in the beginning. **


	7. Come On Courage

**A/N: I know, I'm horrible. Updates WILL get better though, I'll explain at the bottom. For now; enjoy :)**

**7. Come on courage**

_You step a little closer to me, so close that I can't see what's going on. Stones taught me to fly, love taught me to lie, life taught me to die. So come on courage, teach me to be shy. So it's not hard to fall, I don't want to scare her, it's not hard to fall, and I don't want to loose her, so it's not hard to fall when you've flown like a cannonball._

The water streamed down her face and she sang happily, sang so loudly that she barely noticed the shower curtain rustling and the tell tale steps behind her.

His hands came to rest on her waist as he kissed her neck and she smiled, content.

"Mind if I join you?" he said huskily and she laughed, she'd take all opportunities to bring him out of the bad mood he'd been in since he'd opened up more to her about his past.

"Three guesses."

She looked down at his hands and shivered as they began rubbing circles on her skin. It was a fetish of hers, how his tanned skin stood out so well against her own pale, creamy complexion.

He turned her slowly and kissed her softly for a moment, speaking of love and adoration and she melted beneath him, like she always did.

The soft kiss turned more heated and his tongue mated with hers in precise passion.

"Tell me." He murmured as he paused for breath and kissed down her neck and she shivered again.

"No." she said weakly and he kissed her neck harder, bruising the skin, marking her as his.

"Tell me." He growled hoarsely.

"No." she said again, not convincing anybody with her shaky voice.

He pushed her against the wall and hitched a leg around his waist.

"Tell me." He demanded and attacked her naked chest.

"You're the only one." She whispered brokenly and he moaned.

"More."

"You're the only one who has ever touched me, ever kissed me… The only one."

"And it's going to stay that way." He promised and her back arched against him.

It turned him on to no end that she had never been with anyone before him and she'd noticed that if she'd talk about it a bit, she was not only able to get away with more, but he tended to do whatever she wanted him to do.

"Tell me you love me." She demanded this time as he pushed into her.

"I love you." He gasped and held on to her more tightly.

"Again."

"I love you. You know I do, more than I've ever loved anyone else, more than I'll ever love anyone else."

"Promise?"

"If you promise to be always mine." He responded, stopping for a moment and looking deep in to her eyes, his own the familiar hazel, but darkened with lust.

"I promise." She whispered and met his gaze unflinchingly.

"Then I promise too."

* * *

"James?" she whispered in his ear and he groaned into the pillow.

"James, come on, you git. Get up! We have classes, we already missed the first one!"

"Go away…" he grumbled, "Don't fucking shout this fucking early, okay?"

"I'm not shouting!" she protested softly "You're just hung-over. As usual." She added under her breath. He stiffened and glared at her, he'd obviously heard her. Still, she couldn't bring herself to take it back. She was so tired of this, so tired of kissing him when all she could taste on his tongue was smoke and firewhisky, so tired of holding him when he cried himself to sleep, fending off invisible monsters.

"Well," his voice brought her back and she turned to look at him "if I bother you that much, why don't you just go and fuck someone else, then?"

"Nice, James. Thanks, I'm glad you think so much of me!" she snapped and got out of bed, tears stinging behind her eyelids.

Furiously she stalked out to the bathroom and slammed the door behind her.

She thought she heard him curse and get out of bed but was too mad to really care. He banged on the door a few times, but she didn't answer him.

"Come on, Lils," his voice was slightly muffled through the door "I didn't mean that, you know I didn't mean that. I'm just being a prat, and I shouldn't, not to you, and I'm sorry!"

She finished brushing her hair and pulled it into her regular ponytail with angry, jerky movements.

"Lils, come on, don't be like that."

She opened the door and stalked past him.

"Lily, please, I'm really sorry." he pleaded and touched her shoulder.

"Don't touch me, you bastard!" she yelled and flinched away from him.

"I said I was sorry, what else do you want me to say?" he shouted back and she pushed pass him in search of her underwear, screaming as she went.

"You think sorry is going to cut it? You practically called me a whore, James!" she spun around to look at him, his arms were folded across his chest and he had a bored look about him, as if this kind of thing happened on a regular basis and she was boring him with her mood.

"You know what? Maybe I will find someone else to fuck, so you won't have to deal with _me_ any longer!"

He got over to her in less than a second, grabbing her arm harshly.

"Say that again." he dared her, his eyes pitch black and murderous. "Fucking say it again." he punctuated the words with shaking her roughly. She winced and drew back, pulling her arm out of his grip, staring at him defiantly.

"Don't you ever talk like that again," he warned her "you're mine, okay? And I don't like to share." he growled.

"Then don't you _ever _say something like that again, or I swear I will walk out that door." she bit out furiously and his face softened.

"I am sorry. I'm in a pissy mood and hung over, I didn't mean it, honest. The very thought of it makes me want to throw up."

She studied his eyes, to see if there was anything in them that counteracted what he'd said, but found nothing. She nodded tiredly and allowed herself to be pulled into a hug.

"I love you." he whispered and she hugged him closer.

"I love you too."

* * *

She drew a brush through her still damp hair and carefully applied the black mascara to her lashes. Their first Hogsmeade weekend was finally there and Lily and James were going, officially, as a couple. The whole school obviously knew that Hogwarts most eligible bachelor had finally settled down with the quiet redhead he'd been pining after for some years, but still, he had never made it official, this way, before. Girls were still glaring at her disapprovingly and she'd been cornered in the bathroom by some of them. Lily scowled at the memory.

"_Lily Evans?" the gorgeous blonde said and smoothed her skirt nervously._

"_Yes?" she answered suspiciously._

"_Is it true that you're dating James Potter?" she said in a rush as if wanting to get it out of her so that the thought could leave her alone._

"_Yes, it is."_

"_He… He's not safe, Lily, I know he's gorgeous and with the added mystery of him he's… irresistible. Because there's nothing we girls like more, is it?"_

_Lily frowned and the blonde hurried to explain._

"_Figure out the mystery and help him, it doesn't hurt he's brilliant in bed and the sweetest of the lot when he's sober."_

_Lily nodded and smiled tentatively._

"_Thank you for your concern, but it's different with James and I, I can't explain it, but I'm not like –" she paused and bit her lip._

"_It's okay," the blonde smiled "you can say it. You're not like me, you're not the common slut."_

"_I didn't mean it that way." She defended herself but the blonde girl laughed._

"_I know, and it's okay." Her eyes darkened as the seriousness of the situation came back to her. "Just… tread carefully. He really hurt me, and not just emotionally I'm afraid."_

_Lily stared at the girl in shock._

"_He hit you?"_

"_He didn't mean to, I don't think. He was pissed, as usual, and I didn't keep my mouth shut… He broke up with me the morning after, couldn't even look me in the eye."_

"_I, I didn't know." She stuttered and the blonde girl shook her head._

"_I hope it is different with the two of you, he deserves to be happy, but so do you."_

"_Thank you again for trying to… look out for me. But I'm a big girl, I can handle him. It _is_ different with us."_

"_For your sake; I hope that's true."_

She shook her head as she tried to shake off the uneasy feeling in her stomach. They were different, their relationship was entirely different she told herself as she pointed the wand at her hair and muttered the spell to dry it instantly.

Smiling at her reflection, pleased with what she was seeing she went to grab her purse and jacket. She wondered briefly at his reaction, he barely ever saw her wearing make up, or her hair down. She couldn't remember him ever seeing her in anything other than her school uniform.

She walked down the staircase and heard a low whistle from behind. Smiling, she turned around and gasped at his appearance.

He, too, was wearing muggle clothing. But like so many other wizards he hadn't messed it up. Instead, the deep blue jumper enhanced his hazel eyes beautifully and contrasted well with his skin. The black jeans he was wearing hung off his hips with an elegance never seen before.

"You look… amazing." he smiled as he took a step towards her.

"I think that's my line." she grinned, smiling too and blushing a bit at the way his eyes raked over her.

"Oh believe me, it's not." he said as he took in the simple, white, v-necked t-shirt she was wearing and the skinny jeans that hugged her hips in a way she had known he would find enticing.

"Do we really have to go to Hogsmeade?" he murmured, his eyes glowing.

"Yes." She smiled and kissed his lips lightly. "I'm awfully low on my chocolate supply."

"I'll go get it for you anytime you want." He promised and she shot him a dazzling smile.

"I'll hold you to that one. Now, come on, I still want to have a butterbeer at the Three Broomsticks and I really need a new quill. Besides," she went on "you need more ink."

"Fine, I'll take you." he sighed dramatically and took her hand, dragging her out the portrait hole.

He stopped though, just outside and kissed her hungrily.

"But later…"

"Later." she promised and he smiled his crooked smile, mentally weakening her.

* * *

The day had almost been too good to be true. He held her hand all the time and couldn't seem to keep his eyes off of her, which naturally resulted in him walking into people and causing three very funny scenes.

They were currently in the three broomsticks drinking butterbear, which was unusually light for him. He had suggested the new coffee shop, Madame Puddifoot's, hesistantly and she had shaken her head adamantly. To say that he looked relieved would be an understatement.

"I don't think I can tell you how relieved I am that you didn't want to go to that awful, _awful_ place." He shuddered and she smiled.

"Well what can I say? I'm not like your other girls James." She smiled, pretending she didn't notice the implications beneath her words.

"No, you're not." He said simply and took a sip of his butterbear, smiling as the fuzzy feeling spread in his body. He reached over and took her hand in his, rubbing small circles on her skin.

"I'm really glad we did this today."

"How so?" she asked, eager but at the same time unwilling to learn his answer.

"I was…" he searched for the right word "afraid, of how it would be. If it would change anything."

"And did it?" she asked, breath in her throat.

"It was surprisingly good to claim you publicly, to let the world know you're mine." his voice was possessive, but she couldn't bring herself to care. She _was_ his. What was the point in denying it?

He cocked his head and studied her for a bit before continuing.

"We should do things like this more often."

"Go to Hogsmeade?"

"Spend the day together, outside. Not lie in bed all day." he grinned suddenly. "Not that _that's_ not amazing."

"James." she whispered and looked around, blushing a bit.

"Mind out of the gutter, Evans, I meant cuddling."

She rolled her eyes and he smirked.

"Sure you did" she said sarcastically "and my mother goes under the name 'Bert'."

"Interesting, I'll have to remember that when I meet your family."

She looked at him in surprise and stammered out the words.

"Y-You want t-to meet m-my family?"

He looked hesitant, unsure, as if he didn't quite know how to respond.

"I- yes, someday. If it's not too much too soon."

She gave him a dazzling smile and he relaxed under her gaze.

"No, quite the contrary actually, I've been meaning to ask you for a while now. Mum's been bugging me to bring you home over Christmas, actually."

"Really?" he said, sounding eager.

"Yeah." She confirmed and suddenly he frowned.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"I didn't want to scare you away…" she trailed off and blushed a bit. "And I didn't want you to meet my sister…" she mumbled and he had a funny expression on his face.

"Why?" he said bewildered and… hurt, so she hurried to explain herself.

"No! Not because of you, well, partly because of you, because you're a wizard." She babbled and he shot her a smile.

"Lily, slow down."

"Thank you." she smiled shyly and took a few calming breaths. "My sister, Petunia, she's very… she's the muggle opposite of purebloods who don't like muggleborns."

"She doesn't like the fact that you're a witch?"

"No, or anything that has to do with my world. She's mainly jealous that I'm a witch, I think. She even wrote a letter to Dumbledore about it, that maybe they'd done some mistake when she hadn't gotten her letter."

"Is that so?" he asked, intrigued. She didn't talk about her family all that much and he'd noticed it. He never pushed her like she pushed him about revealing their secrets and instead let her take her time. Still, whenever she let something slip, he couldn't help but hang on to every word.

"Yeah, I felt bad for her first. But one can only be called 'freak' so many times."

"I never thought about it that way…" he said slowly, trailing off and staring out in space. She sighed, he did this annoyingly often, started a sentence or a thought and didn't finish until much later.

"Yes?" she prompted and he was snapped back to the presence.

"I always knew you had to deal with the unjust opinions of every thick-headed pureblood here, and some half-bloods too, mind you, I just always thought that you were accepted at home. But it's like… it's like you're out of place everywhere."

She looked down at the table and her cheeks burned a little in shame.

"I think you're amazing, Lily, how strong you are…" he said quietly and she looked up at him surprised. He was always so brutally honest about everything, so when he said these kind of things she could always be sure that he meant them.

It didn't stop her from asking, anyway.

"Really? I don't want you to feel bad for me."

"I'm angrier at your sister, to be honest." he suddenly smirked. "So… is she pretty?"

She glared; he played the jealousy card far too often to be fair.

"No. She's not. Why do you ask?"

"Oh, you know… I might be able to change her view about us wizards once I've worked my magic on her."

"That's not funny, James."

"Kidding, _Merlin_, you know I only have eyes for you."

She smiled satisfied and relaxed back into her seat.

"So you'll come stay with me for a while during Christmas break?"

"Do you want me to?"

"What sort of stupid question is that? Of course I want you there. If I had any say in what life would be like, you'd always be beside me."

He grinned and leaned towards her, kissing her lightly.

"That, I can arrange." He grinned.

"I'll have to write to my mum about this… and… _oh god._" She buried her face in her hands.

"What?" he asked worriedly and she blushed for what seemed like the millionth time that day.

"I'll have to tell her we're sleeping in the same room."

"So? You're of age, aren't you?"

"Well, yes, but still… Oh the embarrassment."

"If it makes you feel better, I can sleep on the couch while I'm there."

"Don't be ridiculous," she snapped angrily and saw him bite back a smile "I can't sleep anyway if you're not next to me."

He smiled now and she noted that he'd done that a lot today.

"Well, what if she made a bed for me in your room, and I'll still sleep in your bed, only anyone won't know."

"That, right there, that's why I love you." She smiled and he laughed.

His laugh was so infectious, so unbelievably beautiful she couldn't help but laugh with him.

"So, for what time do you want to stay with us? The whole Christmas break or…?"

"Well, I don't really have anyplace else to be… and Sirius can probably spend Christmas with Remus or something, so yeah, the whole break. Unless," he hesitated again, and she found him adorable as he did "unless you don't want me to stay all the time? I don't want to be any problem." He added and she smiled at him.

"You're not any problem, we'll be more than happy to have you."

"I don't want to get in the way of your family traditions."

"You won't, but they'll be bearable with you beside me."

He nodded and smiled a small smile as he relaxed back in his chair. He stared quietly out the window and Lily had to look away, his beauty almost hurt her eyes.

"But James, if you're staying… No drugs and no alcohol, okay?" she said quietly and saw him blush a bit. He wouldn't meet her eye as he gave a quick nod.

"Of course, I promise."

She took his hand and squeezed it in a silent thank you, and they stayed silent for the rest of their butterbear, both lost in thought.

They would make up for the silence later and Lily hoped it would not be by talking as she once again tore her gaze from his arms and took another sip of the liquid warmth.

* * *

**A/N: Sorry, sorry, sorry it took so long to get out! School is killing me though, literally, and as much as I would like to sit all day writing about a dark and sexy James Potter, sometimes I just don't have the time for it. I'm writing a children's book in school, you see, it's my project (I have no idea if you have those anywhere else in the world, but in Sweden we do) and it's been taking up all my time. It's a group thing, so if I wasn't getting my stuff in on time it was hurting my best friend so I had to focus on that for a while.**

**But I'm glad to announce that it is now finished and going to a publisher as we speak! (Or, at least I am) Wish me luck with that!**

**Anyway, tell me what you thought of the chapter, and the increasingly annoying James, he is annoying, isn't he? Don't worry, you'll get your answers soon. I'm going to England for christmas and won't be back until January, but I'm going to write while I'm there so it won't take so long next time. **

**Merry Christmas everyone :):)**


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